Maggie fucked your mom.

W.T.F

2012-02-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

Certain people keep trying to mess up my relationship. Well they can fuck off because they aren't getting anywhere! I don't give a fuck about you, and my boyfriend doesn't either. I'm so tired of people trying to mess us up. Its not our fault that you're lonely, jealous, or whatever.

BTW, 69 post hehehe

2012-01-23T17:01:00.000-08:00

Life just really seems out of control right now. Well, only one aspect of my life. Everything is perfect for me right now. It's just there's this tiny problem and it's going to get bigger. This is like some punishment for all the wrong things I've done, right? I hope this isn't happening. I'm relying on one thing to help me, and if it doesn't I'm fucked over by life.

FrIeNdS

2011-12-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for my friends very much. They care about my feelings and understand when I'm upset. They're funny and we know just what to do when the other gets sad. We are the pack and we're best friends. They're my wolf pack. We stick together through everything. They are my stronger side.

Maggie got in a fight?!?!

2011-11-29T18:06:00.000-08:00

Technically it was nothing. I was standing up for my friend. And I did everyone a favor by hitting him because he deserved it. Over 10 people came up to me and thanked me. The world is just a little bit better now(: haha. I can't believe there are people like him in the world. The kind of people that are rude and selfish....who could be so heartless? That's messed up. I swear on everything, I'm going to do my best to make sure that my children (if I ever have any) never turn out like that. I'm going to teach them to pity people like that. Because they need someone to pray for them.

So Thankful!

2011-11-24T08:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, bragging time, life could not get any better. Sometimes I get sad about little stuff, but then I realize the big picture - life is great! I got the best boyfriend in the world. He understands me and he knows how to make me feel better. He always makes me feel special and he's like a best friend but more. And then my friends, or best friends, are the best too! And my family is great! My mom gets me whatever I want and my siblings are hilarious, what's better than that?

I'm really smart and I always get more than a 3.4 (GPA). I'm extremely pretty, and I hear it all the time from other people. Especially my mom's friends. They come over and they talk to me, and they say, "Sandy she is so pretty!". And I'm not insecure about my body, because not to be weird or anything, but My ass and boobs are just....fucking glorious haha. I'm only 98 pounds, so I'm good on weight.

I think I have a good personality. I'm honest about things, I'm nice, funny, and I like to help people. Sometimes I can be mean but most of the time it's a joke, and my friends get that. I'm a likable person and I'm friends with popular people. I'm sometimes shy, but if you're friendly then I become really talkative.

I sound really conceited but I'm just being thankful for what I have and who I am. There must be a God up there because he has blessed me with this wonderful life. I wouldn't have it any other way than this. Happy Thanksgiving, and I hope you realize all the awesome things too(:

SICK GROSS MEAT-EATERS.

2011-11-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of meat-eaters surrounding me. No offense to my friend and family. But you guys are monsters. I feel disgusted when I am at lunch with my friends, and they eat that meat like it was nothing. They have no respect at all for those animals. You do not have the fucking right to call yourself an animal lover if you eat meat. That burger you just had? Yeah, it had a family and friends. I'm not saying like it's something funny, I mean it. You took a life just because you felt like having a steak that day, when you could have chosen something plant-based. Come on, it's really fucking simple.

I'm tired of my friends saying, "Well I want to be a vegetarian, but.." and then some dumb ass excuse. SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you really cared about those animals, you would have found it easy to become a vegetarian. I'm tired of hearing the same thing. You guys are monsters. I would call you all pigs, but that would be an insult to the dead pig on your plate, or what you refer to as, "bacon."

I admit I used to be one of those sick meat-eaters. I used to make up excuses and shit. But one day I realized that I don't have the guts to kill the animal. And I didn't have the guts to watch a slaughter video and then proceed to eat some fucking nuggets. I was a coward. But now I'm a vegetarian and not only do I feel healthier, but I can sleep better knowing I'm no longer a killer.
IF YOU CAN'T KILL THAT ANIMAL, LET ALONE WATCH IT GET KILLED, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE EATING IT. NO EXCUSES.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCcUV-Yg-bc

THERE'S A REASON WHY THIS VIDEO IS AGE-RESTRICTED.

I LOST IT!

2011-11-02T05:22:00.000-07:00

I lost the bracelet Jermaine gave me! He paid so much for that and when I realized I had lost it I burst out crying. I hate myself so much right now! Last night I was about to go to bed when I thought, "Where's the bracelet?" and I remember that I put it in my fucking gym locker, the one that always gets broken into! It's gone, it's gone! It was in there! I feel like such a bitch and I'm scared to tell him.

He's going to think I didn't care about it and I was just leaving it around anywhere. But it's not true :( . Today I'm going to ask him how much he exactly paid for it. After I know I will earn that amount of money. Then on his birthday, or maybe earlier, I'll give him the money and something with it. I just feel so terrible right now. I went to sleep crying, and today I woke up and cried again. I hope I find it somewhere :( </3

And what bad timing for me to lose it, because today (Nov.2) is our 6th month anniversary exactly. UGHHHH.

Love

2011-10-31T17:10:00.000-07:00

People think that just because I'm in a serious and long term relationship that I have no problems what so ever. Well the relationship is not all sunshine and shit okay? Stuff happens. Not all the time, but yeah, we're not always happy. No one bothers to ask, "Are you and Jermaine okay?" or something like that. I really love Jermaine. So much. But sometimes I wish I could go a day without worrying about those little problems we have. No, I wasn't about to say, "sometimes I wish I could be alone/single for a little while" or something like that. Because honestly I never want to be single again, I love this feeling too much.

I get to wake up in the morning and see this amazing guy. And I get to kiss him too! And then at night before I go to sleep I get to talk to him on the phone and be happy. Even when I'm mad at him I know I still want to kiss him and hold his hand. I know I still want to answer his calls. All that stuff.

People say they couldn't be in a committed relationship because they like flirting and all that. I flirt with Jermaine all the time, what's the difference? :) It's cute and the best part is I get to say I love you after it. AND I get to hear an " I love you too!"

This Damn Emotional Bitch Ass Rollercoaster

2011-10-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

I love my boyfriend very much but last Thursday was a day sent straight from hell. He broke up with me...?!?!?!! And It was through a note that he gave me before we went to different classes. We always give each other cute little notes that say "mail" on it. I thought it was one of those, but it said "mail...last one." I opened it and yea it was him breaking up with me saying he doesn't have time for a girlfriend but he'll always love me, blah blah. I wasn't going to let this happen so I thought of a big list of things to say to him to make him change his mind. When the bell rang my mind was like "Fuck that list, beat the shit out of him" and then I all of a sudden I got angry and when I saw him in the hall I shoved him into the wall. I was so ready to start punching but then I started crying instead. That softened me up and before I could get angry again he put ME on the wall. But I kept crying and kept trying to punch him.I was barely hitting him, crying, saying over and over, "I hate you, I hate you!"

He said he was sorry and he takes it back, all of that. But I knew it wasn't sincere because he probably just said that so I would stop crying. I knew he still wanted to dump me. When I got home I asked him on Facebook if he still wanted to dump me and he said "Sorry but I think we should see other people." I was crying so loud. I tried to be mean to him like I do with my other ex boyfriends when they break up with me, but I really couldn't. The only mean thing I said was "You're a cold heartless nobody."

And then he was like, "I just wish you would tell me what is going on in your mind instead of not telling me and looking all sad. Maggie, can you tell me what's going on?" And then just like that we got back together. If that was really why this all happened then I know for sure boys are genetically stupid, every single one of them. Is that seriously why you put me through this damn emotional bitch ass rollercoaster?! I am glad we got back together and everything was fixed, but now after that, who knows when he's going to break up with me again next time he has a problem but doesn't want to show his feelings.

BITCH, you don't know NOTHING about LOVE!

2011-10-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

I hate when people who have been going out for like two days start saying I love you and shit. You are stupid little kids who don't know jack about love. I know that love could happen within a day, but for some reason I just know that's so not the case with you stupid mother fuckers (sarcasm, because it's not "for some reason" it's for every reason). You guys are constantly writing to each other on Facebook, "Ouuhh IMY! Babe, ILYY!!!!" and I feel like writing, "Shut the fuck up kiddos and realize that this is not a Disney movie so you shouldn't be in love with someone you have known for a day, you get date raped that way."

I really just want fuck their faces up and scratch their eyes out. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! Stupid bitches. Me and Jermaine, that's love. Almost 6 months of being together, I'm pretty sure I know what the fuck I'm saying. But you guys, almost together for like, 6...days - you can't say NOTHING about love.

SCENE

2011-10-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

A while ago I started pulling away from the whole scene kid style. That used to be my thing, I was excited to start dying my hair and stuff. But Throughout September I stopped teasing it, stopped buying band tees, etc. But I'm still digging the skinny jeans (especially my colored ones), the converse, and the music. So I might be moving away from the whole scene thing, at least partially. But then what kind of style should I have? Or maybe I'm just having a problem and I should continue with the scene style.

I've been at least a little bit apart of this style since 7th grade started. It'd be hard to just shove it out of me. But it's also costing me a lot of money to be one. You have to buy skinny jeans and colored ones, a bunch of shoes, plenty of hairspray, hair dye, jewelry, band tees, you know all that. But at my school there are too many scene kids (well, mostly wannabes). I only can think of one true scene kid there, and that is Sydney.

...........? :/

2011-09-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

You think someone is your friend until you realize that the only thing they do for you is make you laugh and give good times. They never listen to your problems, or help you out, comfort you...this is bullshit. You ask them for one little favor and they back away. But you always do so much for them! And you listen to their problems, and even when you know pure bullshit is coming out of their mouths, you listen anyway. And when they have a problem they either pour it all on you or they hide it from you as if you won't understand or you are untrustworthy. Umm...WHAT THE FUCK BITCH?! I'm always there to pick up your damn shit like a fucking dog, where have you been when I needed help? You act liek you care but you don't fool anyone bitch - I'm tired of this shit, I don't even care. I'm going to give the honest truth here - YOU MAKE ME SICK! I want to be there for you but now you are getting really ridiculous and I don't care if this hurts your feelings because I'm trying to be a true friend and help you realize the truth - YOU'RE BEING A DRAMA QUEEN! But I guess this whole best friend thing was just a little show. You want to push me away from you and everyone else then fine, I can always find a new group of friends that don't treat me like shit. I'm not going to be treated like this.

Emotional

2011-09-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

I am always so emotional, and I don't think it's just because I'm a hormonal teenage girl. I always end up crying for the smallest things and it's annoying. Like today, we had MAP testing for math. I didn't get a bad score but it wasn't really a score that screamed, "THIS GIRL IS SMART!" I started crying. I felt dumb. Math isn't really my best subject, but the sad part was I was faced in front of these questions that I didn't understand and Jermaine was next to me saying "This is so easy!" and blah blah blah. I felt wayyy too stupid. These questions looked hard to me, but I knew to someone else it probably looked like second grade shit.

I cry for no reason, so many times in the day, and not a lot of people realize because I go through short bursts of tears and wipe them away before someone pays attention. Everything seems to make me want to just cry. Today I didn't go to lunch and I just sat in a bathroom stall thinking. I wasn't sad, mad, or anything. I just wanted to be there. I wanted to be alone. These days it seems like my friends ignore me and don't want to be by me. They always leave me alone standing there like an idiot. And they always come to each other when they have a problem but none of them come to me ever. They don't even tell me.

That's one thing I was thinking about in the stall. I'm not going to say what I'm talking about, but I have that feeling when you worked so hard for something, and you got what you wanted, and then after a while it feels like it's slipping out of your hands. And you worked so hard to make it the way it is. And it feels like it just disappeared. And I try to piece it back together but it's like one piece slips out of place, and then another, and another - and it's just a big mess that you have to clean up later. I feel that way about two things.

One I'm not going to say, but the other is about my friends. It's like I'm just the extra person in the group now. They didn't even realize I wasn't at lunch. And I'm the person who got to whole group together (like I made friends with each one of them and made them into a group kinda). Now it's like I'm kicked out, like I've created some monster and it's run a muck.

Mum

2011-09-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

I know I've been posting blogs too often lately, and hardly anyone reads these, but this is what I do when I have a problem and I need to vent, and I'm too lazy to write in my diary. My mum has been acting so mean to me lately. Really mean. And I know I shouldn't be bitching but it's like she gets worse and worse.

She got rid of my Seventeen magazine subscription. It's my job to clean the litterbox, and sometimes I forget because I'm focusing on homework. And my mum always complains about it. So now she decided to move the litterbox to my room so I never forget to clean it. She said if I try to move it out, thne she takes away my room. She said I better get good grades or she's moving me to a new school.

She's making me pay for all my stuff that she usually buys me. Right now, I need more tampons and deodorant, but I'm scared to ask. What if she gets even more mad at me and says no? What if she makes me pay for it? She thinks I'm a spoiled brat all of a sudden. Every since she got back from her meeting in San Francisco, she has been more uptight and mean then usual. And she takes a lot of it out on me.

I don't even want to talk to her anymore because I'm scared of her. Lately this is the way it is: When she asks me to do something, I do it right away. Whenever she's around, I don't even talk at all. After school, I do my homework immediately and I go to bed early. Every time my friend asks me to hang out, I have to say no because my mum might get mad. I hide in my room all the time because I don't want to face her. What do I do?

.

2011-09-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

First off, I'm sorry all my posts have been about Jermaine lately. But when you're in love and in a relationship, a lot of your life revolves around that person. But anyway, I'm tired of people being like, "Eww," or "Stop kissing!" or something like that when Jermaine and I kiss. Sure, a lot of couples kiss and make out in school. But a lot of those couples also make out just to do it, and don't mean it when they say I love you. They kiss because that's what couples do.

But I don't kiss Jermaine just to do it. I kiss him because I love him so much, and I want to make the most out of the time we have together. We don't get to see each other all day, and a lot of the time he is just skateboarding. When we kiss, it's not just a kiss. It's everything to me. And when I can't do that because of teachers and other kids, it's annoying.

CAUTION: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I'm in loveeeee Jermaine!

2011-09-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

He is always making me smile. And even when I'm mad at him, I always want to be around him. Honestly, I can't really think about other guys because I end up thinking about Jermaine instead. All my friends could be looking at one dude saying he's so hot, and I only think about Jermaine. Why would I need to look or think about other guys, when I have the most perfect guy in the world all to myself? And every time I look at him, I just want to hug him and kiss him. I like to just be standing next to him. And when we have to separate to go to a different class, I always wanna kiss him goodbye. I can't stand it if we don't.

I love talking to him about anything. I would never get tired of him. He's perfect. Everything about him just makes me feel...like I'm in love! Each time I look at him, I become more and more in love with him. The way he is just is....amazing. And when he looks at me with his eyes...I just feel crazy in love, because I know I am. When he calls me Nina or he tells me about how pretty I am, I can't say anything ever because I'm just starstruck. Just so excited and happy about how great he is and how great he makes me feel.

All the months we've been together just make me want to go through even more months with him.

I gotta Get It Together

2011-09-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

I gotta get it together - lately I've been over emotional and it feels like all my problems are about Jermaine. I think, "Oh my gosh he is so childish," "He's such a flirt!" and all that crap. But then when I calm down, I realize he's only thirteen so I can't expect him to be mature. And he really hasn't been flirting this year. People keep saying I look so sad, when I really don't know what the fuck they are talking about. Ashley is like the only one who gets it, she understands that I'm not fucking upset lol. It just so happens that apparently when I'm thinking I make the same face as my sad face.

But whatever I really can't be smiling allllllll the time. But I gotta quit with this emotional stuff because it's depressing. I don't know what's been going on with my head. It feels like I'm just a downer and I hate it. It seems like I keep bringing myself to tears. I just want to dump all the tears out and go on with my life.

Catching UP

2011-09-05T08:26:00.001-07:00

This was meant to be posted a long time a go but anyway here it is:

I've been dead for a while. Well, here's your update of what has been going on and hwy I haven't been writing. Well first of all, I've been busy getting back to school stuff, supplies, clothes, all that junk. By the way, who's excited for school? I am just a little bit. But I'm not excited for to see all the ghetto girls, airheads, and obnoxious boys. I just can't wait to see friends.
Last Monday I went to my first Brewers/baseball game. It was cooler than I thought it would be. I thought baseball was dumb but it's actually pretty fun. Now I play it at the park with the neighborhood kids and my sister. One thing I hate though is a bad pitcher. It ruins my whole game. LOL whatever though.
So other then supplies (pens, paper, etc) What did everyone get for school? I got pinkish reddish and blue skinny jeans, new bras (haha), I dyed my hair a darker brown, I got two new pairs of converse, etc. I'm still waiting for new shirts and a new backpack. I want an Invader Zim backpack. I can dream ahaha. I also want this Call of Duty: Black Ops shirt. Yes, this summer I have also gotten into Black Ops. I LOVE TO KILL MWHUAHAHAHA. Jk. Lol, but the best kill streak I've ever gotten was 17 kills. For some people they just have the gift of being super good at that game, but for me it's merely luck and concentration haha.
Also this summer I tried to learn how to ollie because I wanted to skateboard. It's not something that is super easy, that's for sure. I'm still practicing. But I better learn how before winter comes. Can't skateboard in the snow obviously.. :( So that's all the news. I will write more later! Also, I'm going be posting a new YouTube video soon!

WHOOOAAAA!!!!!

2011-09-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

Just last week I got back from that cabin. I got home, unpacked my stuff, and then the door bell rang. Who was it? JERMAINE <3 (I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks! That's almost a month!) I just couldn't stop squeezing him so tight :) I was too happy. I missed him so much that I was just in tears. Then he gave me this bracelet That said "I love you" all around it with hearts and stars. 14 karats :D that's more than 50% of pure gold. He said he had been saving up for it since the day we had got together. But - I just love him so much!

Then after being together for a while, he went home, Monday he didn't come over, Tuesday he came over for half of the day, and then Wednesday he came at like 1:00 P.M and left at 7:30 P.M. Thursday school started. It's alright, but I really don't like the idea of waking up early again and doing homework again. Whatever.

This year I'm going to get straight A+'s, or at least A's and B's. I can't afford to mess up. This is 8th grade, the grade where it's determined whether or not you go to high school. This is important. And teachers keep scaring people while they're passing out homework saying, "If you don't do this, it can count on whether or not you walk across that stage at the end of eighth grade." It's like they're saying, "DO THIS HOMEWORK OR I'LL FAIL YOU ON THE SPOT." It's intimidating.

I'll do my best. But anyway, I'm waiting for this awesome My Chemical Romance backpack to come in stock so I can get it. So for now I have to use my old one. People probably think I'm too poor to get a new backpack. Whatever, they won't be thinking that when I get the best backpack in the world. But anyway, I was looking yesterday to see if it was in stock (which it wasn't), and then I found... *drum roll* ....A GERARD WAY ACTION FIGURE!!!! For silly ignorant people who don't know who Gerard Way is, he is the lead singer of my favorite band, My Chemical Romance!!!! And yes, my mother ordered it, and I am sooo excited!!! I'm gonna play with it all the time! I know, that sounded lame. But FORGET YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE PROBABLY JEALOUS THAT I'M GETTING A GERARD WAY ACTION FIGURE AND YOU GET ZILCH! But I have to work to pay off the cost :( But that okay because when it gets hard I just look at the picture of the action figure and I get back to work! :)

KIRA

2011-08-24T12:24:00.002-07:00

Referring to Elaina's post....I'm sorry Elaina but I'm not going to hide names here....KIRA IS AN ATTENTION HOG. hooggggg. Yes I said it okay she is always just saying she wants to kill herself and saying that she has such a horrible life when she has no idea what it's like for other people who don't have parents, who really DO have a GOOD reason to be depressed. Kira's life is not horrible at all and she doesn't have a reason to cut herself. At first I cared that she cut herself because I was concerned, but now she is just....she needs to stop faking and needs to stop harming herself for no reason, it's not healthy and if she does that she can be sent to a mental hospital for crazy people. She used to be fine, but no she's crazy, nuts in the brain, not sane whatsoever. Elaina and all other people who are acquainted with her, just leave her alone. she needs to get out of her head thinking that nobody cares. People used to care. But no you're just plain insane Kira. You're crazy. Nobody cares at this point.

BLaHH

2011-08-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

So I've been in this cabin since last Sunday. I'm on "vacation" with family up north in Crivitz (Yes, Crivitz is in Wisconsin). Well, I don't like outdoors and being cut off from civilization, internet access, and reception. All there is to do here is go in the woods, fish, and swim in the yucky lake. And I have 16 mosquito bites. Yes, I am so bored that I'm counting mosquito bites. At least there is cable here.
Well tonight my aunt Rachel said we can play Ghost in the Graveyard. I have never ever played that before but it sounds fun. There is this extra smaller kind of house by the cabin and it is very creepy.My aunt said that the owner said no body has been in the for at least 5 years. But I like to pretend it's a lot scarier than it is. There is a board that blocks off part of the place. I crawled through it and looked at all the rooms. One of the rooms has very old smelly carpet but it's like an old fashioned design. It's super creepy. There's always weird noises in there.
Last night I was talking on the phone outside by the window of the little house. I was outside because I didn't want my family members to hear my conversation and so I could get better reception. I was just standing there and then there was a bang at the window I was standing by. Like somebody hit it. I ran by the dock and when I looked back I saw this shadow in the window. I was totally spooked.
Tomorrow is one of my best friend's (Danielle's) birthday! So HBD to her, love ya Danielle. Anyway, I'm trying to be a vegetarian again to see if I can do it. If it goes well and I can resist, then I'd like to be one. It's nice to be something that's out of the ordinary. I've been doing this since Monday, no meat since then. I had to resist chicken legs, bacon, burgers....poor Maggie.

REGRET.

2011-07-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

At this point I just really feel like a bad person. I can't say what I've done, but I really hurt myself emotionally. I keep thinking, "Why did I even do that?" or "Was it really worth it?" and I wish I could take it back, but at the same time, I don't. Because having regrets isn't very good. I mean, this mistake will help in the future. And if I hadn't done it, it could have changed my future, or have made a BIGGER mistake because I never learned before.
Sometimes I'm feeling used. Like, It's not for what I think it is. Is this out of love or lust now? It's so hard to tell, but all I know is when it happens, it's okay for that moment. But then afterwards I feel a little sick. It meant a lot to me - it was precious. And I just messed it up...3 times! And then to the other, it doesn't matter! Unimportant they say! Are my feelings unimportant too? Am I myself unimportant to you? Do you even love me anymore?
You know that sickening feeling you get when you do something bad and regrettable? Or maybe you don't know. But I've been getting that feeling a lot lately, and it's like a heavy weight on me. I wanna breathe! I want to forget it and make it go away. But I know I can't forget, because it was much too important. And I know I can't make it go away, because I will know it every time it happens in the future. I can't lie to myself, I know what had happened, whether I like it or not.
So, I guess I will have to wait and see what happens next. By the way, I'm sorry this blog is very vague and you have no idea what I'm talking about. But maybe you can relate to the feelings and words, and it would fit into your situation you are or were in. Thanks for reading :/ .

FDIGJDFIODF FUCKFHGIHG

2011-07-09T12:14:00.001-07:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG I just found that face that I've been looking for that I saw on that one Kanye video. Ok Alex THIS is really for you:
╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

Yeahhhh bitches(:

Alex.

2011-07-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

Okay I have to admit something. For a few nights I've been having dreams of cheating on Jermaine (my boyfriend) with Alex (my ex). And then one night sometime this week he texted me asking how it's going and all that stuff. Then the night he texted me, I had a dream that I didn't feel like cheating anymore so I broke up with Jermaine and got back together with Alex.

Alex hasn't been talking to me about anything serious though, just random stuff, as if we're friends or something. Then last night he said that he had to tell me something. He said he missed being my friend, and that he had lost all of his. Well - I sure as hell don't want to be his friend!

He put me through so much pain all these months ever since May 2010. And even when we stopped talking for a month or so, and we weren't together, he still managed to make me cry a few times and feel all that hurt. It hurts so much because he meant so much to me. I thought we'd be together forever. And he's the first guy in a long time that I hadn't cheated on.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a cheater, I'm not good at all at being faithful. But with Alex I just loved him so much, I never wanted to. But then towards the end of our relationship - well, I don't know who reads these, so I'm going to stop right there. Point being - he hurt me, and then he thinks he can step back in my life as my "friend". But he always says that when we are about to get back together. I don't want to.

Well Alex I have something for you
………………..,/¯../
………………./…./
…………./´¯/’…’/´¯¯`•¸
………./’/…/…./……./¨¯\
……..(’(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)
………\……………..’…../
……….”…\………. _.•´
…………\…………..(
…………..\………….\…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvOfkP0DCgQ <---- and this song right there is also how I feel about you!

TELL EVERYBODY THAT YOU KNOW!
THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU NO MORE!
AND THAT'S ONE THING THAT YOU KNOW! THAT YOU KNOW!
OK I'M BACK UP ON MY GRIND,
YOU DO YOU, AND I'M JUST GON DO MINE!
YOU DO YOU, CUZ I'M JUST GON BE FINE!
OK, I GOT YOU OUT MY MIND!!

Truth

2011-07-08T07:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that everyone from MSL was transferred to this new private school, and it had dorms that we had to sleep in, etc. It was a huge building. Anyway, school had started and I was in my first class with Jermaine. But after the class Jermaine and I were holding hands and walking down the hall. We had to split up because he was going to the bathroom and I was going to my next class. I started to walk away, but I turned around to give him a kiss.

I yanked the back of his jacket to get his attention, and as soon as he turned around, I kissed him. Then I realized that Jermaine had already gone into the bathroom and I had just kissed some random guy. I was so embarrassed and I quickly left (O_o).

I started crying and ran away, and Alex was there trying to comfort me. But I'm not in love with him anymore (I think) so I left him and went to find Jermaine. He had already found out and was so upset. But I told him that it's not as bad as him touching on all those girls he's "friends" with. I covered my mouth because I can't believe I had told him that (because it was the truth). Then I woke up.

Beautiful

2011-07-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

So I always think of Summer as a time to change and get things together. Well, this summer, I'm (kind of) quitting the whole be more active on the internet thing. It's because I figured it's not even healthy to sit on the computer all day. Everyday of this summer (mostly), I've sat on the computer, over ate, and lived in this big mess.

Well, I've figured out some new goals. I'm still going to be more active on daily mugshot. So I can watch it in the future (^_^). I'm going to update my blogs more often too, so I can see those in the future too. And I'm going to write in my diary more so I can read that later (I use my diary to write personal stuff). So the reason I'm going to be on the computer mostly these days is for future documentation.

I'm gonna fix things up. Like my room - once the wood floors are made all shiny again, I'm going to move the furniture around. I move the furniture once in a while, because new and cleans things give me a happy vibe (I think this goes for everyone). I mean, don't you like that feeling when you buy soemthing new? Or when your house/room is clean? It makes me feel really good and I become more productive.

I'm going to get more into makeup and cleansing, etc (basically I'm going to get into beauty). People say makeup and all that stuff hides the real you, or things like that. But nothing is wrong with just a little bit of makeup to make you more confident. But I don't recommend putting it all over your face or anything, you should only use what you feel is necessary.

I'm starting a new cleansing/moisturizing routine. Sometimes routines will work for a while, but then they stop working, or get boring. It's okay to start something new. And I'm trying out all those hair and eyeshadow tips. I'm basically just going to start things new and fresh.

What do you think? Is it a good plan?

Summer Is Boring ~Journal Entry about Summer And How Boring It Is

2011-07-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

Ugh I'm in such a drag (does that make sense?). My dad and I were ripping up my carpet because I'm getting wood floors, so now my room is a mess and it's partly wood and partly carpeted. And there's nails everywhere so I can't really walk. And then my mum lost the black nail polish that we bought so I have no color to paint my nails. Well, I could paint my nails another color, but I was looking forward to the black (-_-).

And then I wanted to film a movie today, but my actors are not dedicated and didn't feel like doing it yet. Ugh. I need committed actors, and actors that are actually good and experienced. So far, summer is boring. Yawn. I'm gonna take a nap because there is literally nothing to do.

I don't have a Facebook (I deleted it), so now there's no news feed I can read. I updated both of my blogs already. Same with my website. How's your summer? Is it as boring as mine? Sigh.

V-pets

2011-07-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I got lost at sea with everyone from school, and we somehow got to a vampire world. We had to hide form the vampires or else we would die.
But everyone in the school was killed fast. Except for one girl, one boy, and me. We hid inside an abandoned McDonalds’ play area that was just floating in the sea. It was all fine and we were living fine until the boy saw this beautiful vampire out the window.
He really wanted to be with her so he blew our cover and tried to go by her. The other girl and I went with him to save him. But then vampire hunters immediately shot us and took our insides out (x_x).
But we were still alive, even though we were just skin now. They did that because it turns out when vampires find humans, they shoot them, pull their insides out, and make them as pets.
They called us v-pets. And then I woke up.

Incognito ~Journal Entry About ______

2011-07-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

Life is good right now. I have the best boyfriend a girl could have, great family, great friends, and I have many other things to be happy about. I don't want to lose any of it, ever. I feel like a girl like me doesn't deserve any of this. Because if you knew everything I've ever done, you'd agree with me. I don't want to mess anything else up.

I think I'm going to hide out for a while and go incognito. I'm going to delete my Facebook. If you need to contact me, call or text, but I won't answer that often. I need space. I don't know for how long really, maybe it won't even be a day or two. But right now I feel like leaving all that extra crap.

Right now I'm just in my room sleeping and listening to Kanye. I'm listening to Kanye because his songs just explain how I feel most of the time.

I might still update my blogs, but I'm not sure yet. So, I'm incognito for a little while, I'll post it as my status for about an hour so people know, and then I'll delete the Facebook. Bye guys.

updated ~Journal entry about summer goals

2011-06-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

OK guys, I've updated (almost) every social network I use on the internet. SO:
Add me on:
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/MaggieR171
Daily Mugshot USERNAME IS: loveme171
2nd Blog account: http://maggierivas.us/
Twitter:http://twitter.com/#!/TwinkleThunder

Why am I telling you all this? Because I have summer goals, and one of them is to be more active on the internet (not just Facebook!).

BITCH don't talk to me ~Journal entry about YOU! (Well Maybe You)

2011-06-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, it's SUMMER(:
But anyway, back to the god damn point! Stupid ass people think that they can just ignore me for days, not answering texts or calls, then all of a damn sudden, their bitch asses wanna hang out and think we're cool. NO! Where the fuck were you? If you weren't in the hospital, or if someone didn't die, sum like that, then your ass better respond to me!
You're supposed to be there for me, but no, if you don't wanna talk, then get THE FUCK AWAY. I'm mad now just thinking of these people. Mother fucker don't get mad at me for not answering, your the bitch who doesn't wanna talk!
Your ass better just leave me alone because you are no longer in my top 5! xP

WOAH. ~Journal Entry About Jermaine

2011-06-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

OMG. Jermaine just left (he came over!). I'm not going to say anything on here - ask me for details! :D Teehee

So In Love ~Journal Entry About Jermaine

2011-05-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

Again, I'm very excited. I can't say why, because somethings are best left a secret. I mean, no one reads these anyway, but still, you never know. But let me just say something is going to happen and I'm so happy. I miss Jermaine right now. I know, I know, I talk about him a lot.
And some people might get annoyed. When I try to talk to my friends about him, they just don't really care. But why can't they understand that this relationship is so fascinating to me, and it feels so amazing? I mean, I could write a whole book about all the feelings he's given me! I can't stop thinking about it all.
He's the first boyfriend I've ever had that I haven't wanted to cheat on. I admit, I really don't care about being faithful in a relationship. I usually just do as I please, and flirt with whomever I choose. But I'd just hate myself if I cheated on Jermaine. With him, I don't get so mad as easily as I used to, and I'm not as jealous.
With my other boyfriends, I used to get jealous so easily and get mad at them all the time. And then with Jermaine, when I see him with other girls, I don't care as much, because I know he only wants me. And I don't ever get mad at him (I only have once, and it was actually for a valid reason). I feel like if I treated him how I treated my other boyfriends, then we'd be over as fast as it started. And I really don't want to lose him.
We've been together for a month (After this week it'll officially be a month). In other relationships, they tell me they love me within the first day of us being together. I just play along and say it too most of the time. I always say I love you too fast. And half the time I never even said it in person to the guy.
I'm going to watch my words with Jermaine though, because those easily said I love yous meant nothing before. When I say it to Jermaine, I want it to mean something. I want it to be true, and I think I am falling in love with him. It's like he's everything I want. Like I said before, I can't say what I'm excited for, because it's going to be a secret. But let me just say, during it, I'm going to tell him that I think I love him.
How soon can you really say I love you? It's been a month between him and I. Is that enough time to fall in love? Well, to me, it doesn't really matter how long you've been with the person, I feel like it could happen whenever. But you have to make sure that you mean it when you say those words.
Because of the boys who said I love you to me too fast, I was in a great heartbreak after we broke up. When you tell someone you love them, it makes an imprint on their heart, whether they said it back or not. It gives them a specialer bond to you. And when you just say those words with no meaning, and then tear your heart from theirs (break up with them) it really hurts them more than it would if you hadn't said it at all.

One-sided ~Journal Entry About Jermaine

2011-05-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

I know it's late, I mean, it's almost 1 in the morning. But I can't sleep. Knowing that I get to see my love tomorrow (Jermaine) just excites me. I close my eyes and I see him and feel his hands on me. Then my heart beat races faster, and I just can't sleep anymore. The high point of my day is seeing him, and kissing him, having his hands around me. It's all so magical. I've never felt like this.
I mean specifically this. First of all, he's the only boyfriend I've ever had that was actually really black. I've only dated light skinned boys. This is the first time I haven't been tempted to cheat. Actually, I don't think about any boys, unlike with my other boyfriends. I admit, with my other boyfriends I DID have other boys on my mind. But with Jermaine, it's like he's the only one I want to think about.
I can't imagine myself kissing anyone but him. Not even with a girl. I mean, girls kiss girls a lot or whatever, and usually I wouldn't think much of it, but really I don't want to kiss or hug anyone but Jermaine. And every time another guy hugs me or tries doing anything, Jermaine tells them off. Some girls would say it's overprotective. But I think it's the cutest thing ever.
It's weird how when you date somebody, it's like everything they do is attractive. But when you aren't together, you don't even notice. It's ironic, because when I first met him, and I had seen the way he acts, I always swore to myself that I'd never date this guy. I had always seen him as this disgusting, ugly, stupid player.
Every time he did something, I either didn't notice or just found it repulsing. But now it's liek I can't do anything but find it all adorable. Weird, right? Maybe it's the spell of love. Maybe if I fell out of love, it would all go back to how it was. But I don't want to go back to that. I've already seen that one side of Jermaine, and now I don't want to go back to the one-sided him.

CAUTION lovey dovey blog ~Journal Entry About Jermaine

2011-05-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

After this week it'll have been a whole month since Jermaine and I have been together. I would have never expected it to go on this long. And let me just say, I'm sorry my blog only consists of Jermaine now, haha. It feels like he's so serious about the relationship.

So like I said, after this week, we will have been together for a month (4 weeks). So far, we've only gotten in one fight. And it only lasted a day. He's always willing to do whatever I want. Not that I have a problem with that.(;

I've had a lot of boyfriends before. And I've kissed most of them. I have to admit, he's one of the best kissers. Only one of my other boyfriends were as good at kissing as Jermaine. Alex and Xavier were OK.

I get so lost in it all when Jermaine kisses me. I hug him, I pull back, and then look into his eyes. He leans in, and I don't think anymore - I just do. My eyes are shut and all I feel are his lips pressed against mine. Once he's kissing me, he has complete control over me. He waits a few seconds, then pulls me so close I can feel his breath gliding across my cheek.
I have to stand on my "tippy toes" to reach his face, but I get so mesmerized that I don't realize it. Sometimes when we kiss, he has his headphones in. Of course, he's listening to rap or whatever. But I don't mind. I wrap my hands around his neck, and sometimes I put one hand to his chest. I can feel his heart beat.
.
He holds me so tight, if I tried to break loose, I couldn't. Not that I would even want to break loose. Once he pulls me close, I pull him even closer. I don't even think when he kisses me. All I can think is wow. My heart beat races and I feel his touch on my back. And then once I leave, I grin.
At night, when I'm alone in my bed, I think of him and the way he looks at me. I close my eyes and I can see him looking up at me with those meaningful eyes and that adorable smile. It makes me want to kiss him more. I dream of him and I all the time. He means so much to me.

Bitches ~Journal Entry About BITCHES

2011-05-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

So yeah Danielle has been talking behind my back so I don't want to be friends with her. And I don't want to be friends with Kaitlin either. Both of them are gossipers and really do deserve each other. Ha.
So this one girl who I'm not gunna say always makes faces as me since forever. I never really tohught much of it. But now that I go out with Jermaine, I think I really ticked her off. I bet she likes him. Because at first all she did was make faces at me. But now everytime he sits by me and lunch she throws food and shit and whenever I turn around to look at her she makes a face.
Like bitch I didn't do anything to you and now your taking it too far. I'm so sick of her. Gosh, why doesn't she just give up on him? She's too fat of a cow to get a boyfriend anyway. It's people like her that I just wish would disappear off the face of the Earth. I hope someone smacks the shit out of her.
All these people I just talked about are bitches.

The Big L Word ~Journal Entry About Jermaine

2011-05-21T00:32:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. There's been a lot of stuff going on. So This week is my 3rd week of being with Jermaine and on Monday it will be our fourth. This excites me, because this is probably the longest amount of time I've ever dated a player. I mean, I always thought he was just all about getting as many girls as possible, but it's not like that.
He's so sweet, honest, and loving. He drew me a picture of a heart. Whenever I'm not smiling, he really wants to make me happy. He tells me what he thinks and I feel like there's this side of him no one can see. So not only is he all those things, but he's super good looking. But sometimes that's not always a good thing.
So many girls (black girls in particular) like him, and they take it so seriously. They talk behind my back and basically bully me over it.Well, I've liked guys who had girlfriends that I was jealous of, but I never was so immature to the extend where I bullied the girl! Those girls make faces at me, push me around, and talk crap. I was upset about it, and blamed it on him. It kind of is partly his fault because when he talks to the girls it's like he fuels their will to have him. And he flirts with them I guess.
But he always seems like he would rather have me. He doesn't like it when I don't hug or kiss him. He tells me he'd do anything for me to believe that he's committed to me.He always says I'm beautiful, and different from his other girlfriends. And when he kisses me, and I pull away, he pulls me back in right away.
But how can I know whether or not he's said this same thing to his other girlfriends? I'm not sure. And I don't want to ask my friends about it, because they'll just say, " He's a player!" But they don't know or understand. I know, it sounds like I'm blinded by love. He told me that he really wants to say he loves me, but he cares about the relationship and doesn't want it to end all because he said something too soon.
So tell me, how soon can you say I love you?

The School Dance ~Journal Entry About Jermaine

2011-05-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

The dance we had at our school last night was AMAZING<3 I didn't think about Alex at all! I think I'm finally getting over him and getting on with the new. Jermaine held my hand a lot and did all that relationship stuff aha. So it's been a week since we've been together (We got together on Monday).
A lot of girls like him and have been trying to get with him since forever. That's why every time I was holding his hand, he'd have his hands around my waist, or when we hugged a whole bunch of girls were giving me the evil eye and making faces. I felt like I was being watched by cougars!
During the dance, Jermaine's friend and Ashley kept saying me and Jermaine have to dance together. Too bad neither of us can dance <3 lol. After the dance, it was amazing too. We walked out holding hands (I got plenty of faces from girls O_O). Then, we hugged, we looked into each others eyes, and we just kissed. It was amazing. You can totally tell he's a player because he almost immediately started frenching (french kissing me). But, I mean, obviously he's a player because of all the girls he's been with. But maybe not.
Last night when I got home, we were talking, and he said with his other relationships, his girlfriends seemed like they wanted to break up so he just ended it. He told me he thinks our relationship will last and he's going to try to make it last.
There's this certain look he always gives me. Like, he's always acting childish and getting in trouble in class and all, so you only see his goofy side really. But then when I look him in the eyes it's like this totally serious face (not in a bad way). It's like a sincere face. When he compliments me or says something he means, he gives me that face.
Before the dance I was video chatting with Allen (Steeger, not House). I was supposed to be going out with him, but Jermaine asked me out first. Not like that's big news though. Right now I'm trying to not like anyone (at least not that much) because I' tired of getting my heart broken.

Do You Remember? ~Journal Entry About Alex

2011-05-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's me, the girl you claimed that you'd love forever. Do you remember all those times? What about the time when we stayed up till 2 in the morning talking on the phone? We talked about everything. You asked me to be your girlfriend. And by the time we ended the call (It was 6 hours!) we were best friends, and boyfriend and girlfriend. Do you remember when we started hanging out and I was shy to hold your hand? Do you remember walking in the rain after school, talking about all our problems? You made me feel so happy. Do you remember when I cried in your arms? Or how about the times we were at the park with your friends. We looked into each others eyes, and you kissed me? Do you remember when we stayed at the park together till 10 at night? I was scared, and you held me so tight, and promised you wouldn't let anyone hurt me? <3
Do you remember when I was crying, and you made me smile? You told me smiles made the world go 'round. And that if I didn't smile then everything would go wrong?(:
Do you remember when I fell asleep in your arms at your house late at night? I could still hear your voice subconsciously. You were singing our song to me. And Zac said, "Come on, let's go play video games." And you said, "No thanks. I've got all I need right here."
Or the time we kissed in the rain, and you told me I was beautiful. All those times when you snuck out your house, and we'd bum around parks. Or the time we were in my room alone, and you said "Hey, guess what?" and I said "What?". You whispered in my ear, "I love you."
All those times you whispered stories to me about your childhood. And the things you told me. The things you said you never told anyone else. All the times you said I was the first and only girl you've ever loved.
How did something that beautiful disappear? Oh, I remember. Because we let jealousy, rumors, and useless fights get in the way. Why did we let that happen? I guess we forgot all the good times and got caught up in one little thing after the other. I wish I had seen this before it all ended so tragically. I hate you now, and you call yourself a monster.
We spent, at the last, 10 months together. We changed each others lives. Even though, just looking at you gets me upset, I know deep inside me, that I'm not over you. I don't know how much longer I can ignore it. But I admit, it comes out once in a while. </3

Lost Phone ~Journal Entry About Nicole Ray

2011-05-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

So today was a little bit scary for me. My phone was returned to me (my old one) that I had lost way back in December. I thought Jescyna had taken it, because she was known for lying, and she always took my phone in 6th grade. But Jescyna had left the school so I never got it back. I had forgotten the whole thing and had a new phone and all. Well, just yesterday the office called me down and said someone anonymously turned it in. I don't know who could have found it after 4 months or so of it being gone. But I was happy anyway (Even though there were multiple scratches, the battery was damaged, and the back cover was gone). When I got back to the class, Nicole Ray (who sits in front of me) turned around and told me she found it by a locker and turned it in.
Nicole Ray is this really mean girl who picks on everyone, but especially targets my group of close friends. I was very surprised to know she did such a nice thing. I went home and then I started really happy to really horrible. I was looking at my phone, and all the things that were changed on it. I went to pictures, and I was speechless. There were SO MANY pictures of Nicole on there. I was scared to confront her, because she's super tough (even though she only won one of three fights she's been in). I messaged her on Facebook asking how long she had my phone, because there were a lot of pictures of her on there. She said she just had it over spring break.
I was beginning to feel relieved, but that horrible feeling came back. Why? Because spring break was weeks ago. I had an idea. I looked at the info on the picture, and my phone said that those photos were taken in January, this year. So she's had it since January. The mystery is solved - she had it all along.
But here's the catch. Should I tell on her or not? I didn't know what to do, and the only teacher that I felt could help me was Ms.Rios (our Spanish teacher). At home base my friend Danielle came with me to her room. I asked her, "Ms Rios, can I be moved in Spanish class, because Nicole Ray-" And she finished by saying "Is harassing you? I understand." I said yes, but I told her how she also stole my phone. I told her the whole story, and I showed her the "evidence".
She said she would definitely move my seat in Spanish, but it was up to me whether or not I wanted to get her in trouble. I got moved, but I didn't tell her whether I wanted her to get in trouble or not. But in the middle of class, Ms.Rios said "Nicole Ray, come here please." and walked out the door with her. She came back like 10 minutes later -without Nicole. That means she got in trouble. The whole class I wondered what happened to her. I'm scared now to see what happens.
Anyway - the school dance is tomorrow. Jermaine is going to kiss me there. And that's it!

Another Day ~Poem/Journal Entry About Jermaine

2011-05-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

I know I can't depend on you
Because I know your heart isn't true
You don't speak the truth, but nor do you lie
So I guess I have no reason to cry.
I can only wish that you'll stop your play
But maybe that will be another day

Things are going well for Jermaine and I, but I've got my guard up for anytime he decides he wants something else. I'm not going through another heartbreak, I've had enough. We got ast the awkward first day or two of us being together, and now we can talk normally and hold hands, hug, and stuff. He said he wants to kiss me at the dance. This is great news, but again, I have to remember to watch myself. I keep telling myself

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."
— Marilyn Monroe

And that's just what I'll do. I will kiss him, but I'm not falling in love. And I'm not going to believe a word he says about commitment or any related topic because I've let that happen before and it only led to tears. And if I know he's doing something I don't want, I'm going to end it. I have to stand up for myself for once in relationships, I'm tired of getting my heart stomped on all over.

5.2.11 ~Poem/Journal Entry About Jermaine

2011-05-02T18:38:00.000-07:00

You say that you want me to hold so close

But you can’t claim me the one you love most.

I can’t expect much from someone who plays –

And I can only hope that your love is not a phase.

My heart has been torn many times in the past

But I hope you’re the one who’ll make this one last.

The odds are against me, and regret may be near

I can only hope, I won’t shed another tear.

I just got together with Jermaine in 4th hour today on May 2nd, 2011. The poem is saying, he's known to be a player, but maybe there is some hope that he can actually make me happy. Like it says, the odds are against it all, but all I can do is dream and pray that I won't cry anymore.

Lyrics to Title And Registration by Death Cab For Cutie

2011-05-01T11:06:00.001-07:00

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade. And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all. And here I rest, where disappointment and regret collide - lying awake at night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AAziORqj5I

Lyrics to White Demon Love Song by the Killers

2011-05-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be writing this to show lyrics that speak how I feel. So here's my first -

White demon love song down the hall, white demon shadow on the road, back up your mind there is a call, he isn’t coming after all, love this time, she likes the way he sings, white demon love songs in her dreams. White demon where’s your selfish kiss? White demon sorrow will arrange, let’s not forget about the fear, black invitation to this place, that cannot change, while strangely holy, come for a rain, White demon widen your heart’s scope. White demon who let your friend go? White demon, widen your heart scope. White demon, who let your friend go? Let us be in love, let us be in love, let’s do old and grey, let’s do old and grey, I won’t make you cry, I won’t make you cry, I will never stray, I will never stray, I will do my part, I will do my part, let us be in love, tonight, White demon widen your heart’s scope, White demon who let your friends go? white demon widen your heart’s scope. White demon, who let your friends? stand it anymore darling, stand it anymore, stand it anymore darlin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5a5hA0wLfI

Brown Eyes ~Poem About Alex

2011-05-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

The brown eyes stare at me.
I return the glance and look away.
But each look makes me want to stay.
My heart is torn with each word he speaks.
And I know this will go on
For more than just weeks.
Brown eyes, look away
There is no love for me today.

Under That Smile ~Poem About Feelings

2011-05-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

You see her like awake with teary eyes
Her soul a bitter black.
She thinks of you and your happiness
Something that she lacks.
She says in her head,
"Why do you leave me here,
Leave me here to die?
I'd rather just go and runaway,
Then hear another lie."
Her words seem true
And so does her heart.
But something inside her is tearing her apart.
Maybe just maybe, under that smile,
There's a broken heart
But fixing it is worth while. <3

The Enemy In The Mirror ~Poem About Feelings

2011-05-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't looked in the mirror yet today,
I'm afraid I'll see the same person
That I did yesterday.
I knew when I awoke,
That I had been betrayed.
That awful girl - well, She didn't go away. :(
That person I loath, absolutely hate.
A being that God could not create.
I see her and I want to smash the glass
You know, break her apart and be FREE at last?
Yet, I'm unable to discard my twin
I pick up the shards
And piece her together again.
Shattered and broken, I can never be whole.
Not as long as that reflection is part of my soul. <3

Today ~Poem About Feelings

2011-05-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

Today you’ll fake a smile, laugh for a while. But when your home, and all alone. Your tears will fall, and that’s not all. Your heart will swell, and there’s no one to tell.

Cry ~Song About Alex

2011-05-01T10:48:00.001-07:00

Winter snow, fall down on me, everlasting peace. Smile at the old times, hanging at the park and messing around. Around. Think of his love, and his laugh, and you wish you could go back. To the times, when you and I, held hands. But this is real life! You’re not coming back for me! Oh willow tree, why do you weep, when you have all the love you need. And that’s why I'm sitting here, wondering why you left me my dear.

Cry! Cry! Why do you make me. Cry! Cry! Why cant I smile, or laugh, its always the same crap!

Goodbye ~Journal Entry About Alex

2011-05-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

I will never look at your profile again. I won’t sleep with your hat anymore. I won’t look at you in class. I won’t notice when you walk past me in the halls. I won’t answer your texts/messages. I’m not going to think of you when I hear a love song. I’m not going to go somewhere just to hope to run into you. I’m not going to cry over you. And I’m surely never, ever going to love you again. Never again will I make that mistake. Goodbye.

All This Pain Inside Me ~Journal Entry About Feelings

2011-05-01T10:44:00.001-07:00

All this pain inside of me, it’s growing, and I can feel it in my heart. I feel like, I cant get out of this problem. I'm losing everyone important to me, and I feel like the whole world is letting me down. I can’t take it, I feel like dying.

I Hate School - Journal Entry About Bullying

2011-05-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

I hate school, everyone hates me there. They think I'm lame. I would beg my mom to home school me, but she would say I'm being a drama queen.But I'm serious, no one every takes the time to say hi and all my friends are either fake or end up hating me. The “cool” kids make fun of me. They don’t seem so cool if they are making people want to die. Because that's how I feel every time they do make fun of me. I try to speak up for myself, but I open my mouth and nothing comes out. And if I say anything at all, it's just me saying stop in the smallest voice ever - yea, so much for standing up for myself. Sometimes they are so mean that I run to the bathroom and cry in a stall. Usually when I cry at school, I go home, but I learned that it's not going to work that often anymore. So now, like I said before, I cry in a stall. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand, put on my best “I'm OK” face and march back into the classroom. Resuming my spot where more sick jokes being made about me await. I cant stand those stupid remarks they make about me, and it makes it worse when I can't escape and a tear rolls down my cheek right there in front of them. They stare, they laugh, they joke - I die. On the inside of course. I retreat to my work while they throw paper and erasers at the back of my head. But one day, it will be pay back - I can promise them that.

I Love You ~Song About Chad

2011-05-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

I love the smell of your clothes, the way you talk, I love when you laugh at my jokes, but most of all-I love your eyes and your smile because they’re beautiful like the stars in the sky.

You know I need you, to keep my feet on the ground. You know I want you, to stay here with me, baby please, I love you, I trust you with my heart, I know you will not break it.

Breakup ~Song About Alex

2011-05-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today, I saw my tears fall to the floor again

They haven’t stopped since u said that we were done and we are just friends

But my heart is breaking, and I am shaking from what you said. Don’t know how this has happened? let's replay in our heads-

You said this isn’t working I’m out of my head we got to move on “exactly” is what I said to myself as you walked off and now I’m lost u said this wouldn’t happen.

Why’d u lie? Why’d u lie? You said we wouldn’t go through another break up, shake up! Well I don’t care, well I don’t care!

I walk away when I see you callin me again

But I have stopped thinking about you because we are done, but we’re not friends.

And I don't want you, now I do, from your texts. Don’t know how this has happened let's replay in our heads

You said this isn’t working I’m out of my head we got to move on “exactly” is what I said to myself as you walked off and now I’m lost u said this wouldn’t happen.

Why’d u lie? Why’d u lie? You said we wouldn’t go through another break up, shake up! Well I don’t care, well I don’t care!

Lie all you want, my heart is gone, take whats left of me. Of me. To think , I actually thought, we could be, happily, together, forever, well things don’t work out as they should.

Why’d you lie? why’d you lie? you said we wouldn’t go through another. Breakup, you’re a fuck up, we could’ve been, should’ve been, together, forever.

Emo ~Journal Entry About Being Emo

2011-05-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

I admit, I used to cut myself. So, the people were kind of right when they said I was emo. Sometimes I still do it. On my arms, inner thighs, stomach, legs, everywhere. But not deep enough to scar, because I didn't want to be reminded of the pain I've been through. And it makes me want to die when people accuse me of being emo, because it only brings back memories of remorse and hatred.

Time Flies By ~Poem About Alex

2011-05-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

Time flies by, while I still sit in the past. I stare out the window, and watch the happy people down below. I wish I was them. Care free, love struck. Not me. I’m in my head, thinking of you, hoping that I won’t have to cry about you today. My heart was stolen by you. How could I let that happen? Now it’s gone forever. I thought I could handle you, but I was swept away by my fantasies, and killed in the process by reality. It took me the whole relationship to figure out that love isn’t a fairytale. As they always say, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And it just so happens that the someone was me. I plaster a smile on my face for everyone, including you, but once I’m all alone, I cry on my already soaked pillow. I close my eyes, hoping this is a dream. Not a dream, a nightmare. The one I love thought nothing of me but a thing. This unemotional mask will forever more be my expression. It’s been too long. The smile that was once plastered on my face is now just a fading memory. The good times are gone. You’re gone. And you’ve taken my heart and soul. Now my thoughts are eating away the rest of me. It won’t be long before razor and knife become my friends once again. It won’t be long before I hold the gun, and pull the trigger. Will you be satisfied with me then?

3 Words To Describe Me

2011-05-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

When I came to MSL, I was bullied a lot, and I'd write poems in documents on Word on my laptop. Here's one:

Three words to describe me

waste
of
space

three words I hear whispered behind me

ugly
fat
stupid

school is like a sea of people
horrible people
drowning me slowly
I cant breath
I can only think
of the torture
and hurt
that they make me experience
on a daily basis
it wouldn’t hurt
if they just gave me
a break
is that so much to ask for?
but to them
it is A LOT
to ask for
so they go ahead
and keep on drowning me
not even questioning their selves
if its wrong
to let innocent people
get hurt
whether it be because some one used
words
or actions
to cause it
so now I'm here
writing this
hoping that you get the message
before its too late
to make yourselves
worth someones while

My Life Story, Part 3

2011-05-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

I didn't know anybody, and I thought it'd be okay like it had at my other school but no - it was a public school, and everyone wasn't nice. At school I usually kept my head down and kept to myself. Everyone called me emo because I had no friends. Then I made friends with Julia, Latea and Elaina. I felt relieved. But that didn't stop the bullying. I remember crying in the stalls and then going back to class. I was an emotional wreck. I missed Jacob, I didn't have any friends, and I was bullied. I used to write poems about it all. They weren't really poems, but kinda. I'll post them in another post after I'm done with this whole life story thing. So after a while things got better and I was bullied less, plus I made more friends. This really ugly dude asked me out, Zach, and I didn't think I had a choice, so I went out with him. But I realized I wasn't over Jacob and I didn't want to be with Zach, so I broke up with him. Then I found Joe on Myspace and we liked each other instantly. We talked on the phone for hours. I told him all my feelings, and he understood. He came over to my house, and we made out. A week later one day we were on the phone and he asked me if it was to soon to say the L word. I told him I didn't want to fall in love, but he said it anyway. He told me he loved me. So then I was over Jacob and in love with Joe. We did so much together, and I felt like it'd last forever, but one day a big fight came between us and we were done forever. I don't want to share anymore about my life because it was all too much and it got worse. I did many bad things since then, but I'll tell you this: I'm over Joe, I fell in love with someone named Alex, and now I want Alex back and I'm single ,about to go with this one dude. So far, I've had 9 boyfriends, about have 10. I've kissed 4 of them. I told 5 of them I loved them. Only 3 of them I actually meant it. 6 of the boyfriends I got were from MSL.

My Life Story, Part 2

2011-05-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well, in 5th grade him and I got together. We were always together, holding hands and all. He always gave me love notes. One time I showed Chloe and she ripped it, because she was angry that he didn't love her. All year she insulted me in front of him, and constantly tried to make a fool of me, because she was jealous that all the boys in the class liked me and not her. AND I had the boy she wanted the most. At my first school dance (The Halloween Dance), I had my first kiss from Jacob. All my journals were about him, and how much I loved him. I wrote about how I'd never cheat on him, and I'd love him no matter how many miles were between us. This kid named Joe liked me, because he gave me a note that said to call him on his phone and all this stuff. Jacob got jealous and told me to throw it away. So I did - but that was not the last of Joe. So then my mum broke the news to me, that I'd be going to a new school.
So that happened, and when school ended, the whole class joined hands and started praying. We prayed to always stick together as a MQS family, and that God would lead us down a great path. We all said our goodbyes and everyone left the room. Chloe and I stared at each other, alone in the room. We both burst into tears at the same time and hugged each other. We left the room, and that was a whole new start, and a big change for me.
A month later everyone went to Jacob's house for a party. My mum's friend took me. I stayed till 10, because I didn't want to go. When Joan, my mum's friend, called saying she was picking me up, I cried. I hugged Jacob goodbye. He promised he'd call me everyday. I hugged his little sister, Emma. I was very close with her. She was in tears too. She gave me little things she had in her room to remember her. She gave me a special coin and a hair scrunchy. It meant the world to me. Joe asked for a hug, and I gave him one. I cried the whole way home, and held close the teddy bear that Jacob gave me. That night I cried till I fell asleep. Then in the morning I didn't say anything and Joan took me home silently. I cried at home, and I cried all summer. Every time my sister said the phone was for me or something, I'd hope it was Jacob. But he never called. Ever.
I know it sounds stupid, but for every boyfriend I've ever had, I have a special song that reminds me of them,sometimes multiple songs. With Jacob, it was When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne and 7 Things by Miley Cyrus. I remember sitting on my floor crying while those songs played in the background. Then I started school at MSL (Milwaukee School of Languages).

My Life Story, Part 1

2011-05-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

So I just started this whole blog thing, and I guess I should start with everything about me (even though no one will read it? aha) I grew up on Amy's Place near West Bend in Wisconsin, in a big house. We had a lot of land and many trees. My best friend in the whole world lived across the street from me. Her name is Dinara. Her, my sister, and me were best friends for life. We played games, climbed trees, went swimming, and did tricks on my trampoline. Life was great. I went to school at Saint Frances Cabrini. I didn't really have a definite friend there, I was always hanging out with new people. One day I'd be with the lame kids, another with the populars, and then another with the middle class group of girls. I never really knew where I belonged.
Then in the summer of 2007 I moved to Milwaukee in a house that was much smaller then my regular one. I was torn away from my best friend, my beloved house that I grew up in, and my great school. I felt like my life was destroyed in one summer. I started attending school at Mary Queen of Saints Catholic Academy. We had to wear uniforms, unlike my other school. There were only two girls in the fourth grade class, which made it worse, because if I didn't make friends with them, I'd have no friends at all. But it was okay because I did befriend them. They're names were Chloe and Mary. Both of them were practically in love with this boy, Jacob. I didn't really like him, because he thought he was all that just because a lot of girls liked him. He was like one of those annoying jocks. But the fact that I was one girl who didn't want him, made him want ME.
He always talked to me, claimed feelings for me, wrote stories about me - and I always denied it, but I secretly was falling for him. But I told myself that I couldn't give in just to be one of his "trophies" just like the rest of the girls. I felt like they were all on a big display and he just loved to show off that they liked him - hence the name, his trophies.
He gave me a pink necklace, and that's when things turned upside down. I started wearing it, but after a while he started wondering why I didn't like him yet. He gave up and told Chloe he liked her. She was ecstatic. She asked me if I could give her the necklace, and I said no, I wanted to give it to Mary.
All the boys thought Mary was ugly, including Jacob. The only boy that kinda liked her was this gross, repulsing boy named Darren. Ew. I thought maybe she'd like to have the necklace. One day when the class was getting ready to leave and go home, Mary came up to me and said Jacob asked for the necklace back - so I handed it to her and she gave it to him. Both me and Jacob looked like we were about to cry.
When I went home I looked at all the notes he had given me, saying he loved me and everything. I loved him back, and this was the first time I had fallen in love.